


Subject: La Bamba

by GhostofBambi



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Email, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Birthday, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-01-18 08:32:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12384615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/pseuds/GhostofBambi
Summary: Trust Margaery Tyrell to turn Sansa Stark's 21st birthday party into an exercise in matchmaking.





	1. fashion queen of the southwest scene

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kattyshack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kattyshack/gifts).



> Happy (early) Birthday Katie! I know you love texting fics, so here's my version of that. This is entirely for your benefit, and I'll be updating once per day, all this week (with a break on Thursday) until Sunday. I deeply apologise if the formatting confuses anyone, I tried so many variants in order to make it as clear as possible.

**FROM:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **TO:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **CC:**  Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 9:43am

 **SUBJECT:**  Sansa's Bday

================================================

HEY YOU SLUTS!

Except for you, Brienne, my beautiful prude.

As you all know, it's my girl Sansa's birthday tomorrow and I've had final confirmation from Nana O that we're good to throw her party at Highgarden at the weekend. I need y'all to be there on Saturday at 6pm SHARP for final preparations and allocation of hiding places. Bran gets first dibs because I am an equal opportunity hostess.

I've had verbal confirmation from most of you but consider this email your last chance to RSVP. I would have created an event but since Jon and Brienne insist on not getting Facebook and making my life that much harder, we're stuck in the early noughties. I hate you both.

Except for you Brienne. I love you.

Final checks!!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!!

@Hot Pie – Are you all set for food? As confirmed, anything gravy based is BANNED because Sansa's going to be wearing a smokin' hot outfit and all it takes it one lumbering oaf trying to dance (Pod) to knock into her and make her spill all over herself.

@Renly – Girl, make sure you climb out of my brother's ass for long enough to prepare the music. I will provide a disco ball and any other materials necessary to achieve aesthetic and musical harmony.

@Loras – You have a shopping date with Sansa on Thursday so please convince her to spend an inordinate amount of money on something fabulous.

@Yara – You and Theon are on drink patrol and have I mentioned you look hot today?

@Gendry – Dress code is underwear ONLY.

@Everyone else – Dress code is fancy/fabulous/glitter.

@Jon – By unanimous vote, we've decided that you'll be escorting Sansa to my house for the big reveal. Pick her up at her flat at 6:30pm with an appropriately expensive bunch of flowers and wear something tight xoxo

@Arya – Do you have the list ready?

Reply to confirm attendance, thanks and kisses!

_\- Margie T x  
fashion queen of the southwest scene_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ )

 **TO:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 9:47am

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

For the last time, my name is Brian Hothpie and I really don't like this nickname.

I'm just putting the finishing touches to the menu. I'll be serving a delicate smoked salmon mousse appetiser with cream cheese, a selection of smoky beef and bacon sliders, quail eggs with caviar, spicy polenta wedges, miniature bacon and guacamole cups and crab crescent rolls. I'll also be making molten chocolate puddings and a three tier lemon and cream cake.

Do we have any vegetarians or, god forbid, vegans in our midst?

_\- Brian Hothpie  
please stop calling me Hot Pie_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ )

 **TO:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell._ com), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 9:49am

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

SORRY WHAT?

I mean I'm coming but WHAT?

Arya???? Don't let her do this to me?

_\- Gendry  
u can't touch this unless you're Arya, who chose this signature and this email address_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:**  Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 9:57am

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

Margaery, you thirsty bitch.

Hot Pie, no veggies or vegans, ignore Loras's totally fake gluten intolerance.

Gendry, I don't particularly care, to be honest.

Below is Sansa's gift list. Claim whatever's not taken.

  * New sewing machine –  _Arya_
  * Rome trip –  _combined effort from me, Margie, Yara, Meera, Brienne and Talisa, but if anyone wants to chip in, send the money to Margie_
  * New laptop –  _Robb &_  _Talisa_
  * Harry Potter pyjamas from Primark, size 10
  * Spa weekend –  _Bran & Rickon_
  * Sewing supplies etc, thread, fabrics, patterns, whatever else you need to sew shit
  * Complete Jane Austen collection -  _Pod_
  * Any Shakespeare comedies
  * Ed Sheeran tickets –  _she REALLY wants these so if a few of you want to split the cost, do_
  * Bluetooth music system for her car -  _Renly & Loras_
  * That Chanel perfume she likes
  * Collected autobiographies of Maya Angelou
  * Gift vouchers for any of the following: MAC, Benefit, Boots, Hobbycraft, M&S, Oasis, Monsoon, Next, Waterstones
  * New boyfriend –  _I assume Jon?_
  * Birthday sex –  _I assume Jon again?_



_-Arya Stark_  
_I could probably take you_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:**  Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 9:59am

 **SUBJECT:**  love you

================================================

Obviously you don't have to wear your underwear to Sansa's party because that'd be weird and only I get to feast on those abdominals, Margaery is a thirsty bitch.

I mean, wear your underwear but wear clothes over it, you're not a fucking animal.

Love you forever (tell anyone and I'll scalp you)

xxxxx

 _\- Arya Stark_  
_I could probably take you_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:**  Sansa Stark ( _lady.stark@winterfell.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 10:05am

 **SUBJECT:**  Your Birthday

================================================

Hey,

So, your party's happening at Margaery's place on Saturday. Should be around 7pm. PRETEND TO BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU GET THERE and also you really owe me for letting you in on this secret early.

Dress code is fancy/fabulous/glitter (WHY do you even need this clarifying, Margaery's parties are ALWAYS fancy/fabulous/glitter) and Loras is taking you shopping for an outfit on Thursday so when he shows up at your office at lunchtime with some stupid excuse about how he needs your moral support because his hair is having a flat day, just humour him and go to the boutique, or wherever it is you people go when you're buying clothes.

Jon is picking you up for the party har har har. Don't be late because you were boning down.

 _\- Arya Stark_  
_I could probably take you_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell._ com), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 10:15am

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

Hi all,

I'm happy to pick Sansa up for the party but can I ask that you all stop pretending that I'm in love with her or something? It is patently untrue and these jokes will only make her uncomfortable.

I'll go in on the Ed Sheeran tickets.

_-Jon Snow_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **TO:**  Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ )

 **CC:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 10:28am

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

Hey, Jon-Bons, I ran your email through Google Translate and here's what I got.

_Translated from Nonsense:_

Hi all,

I'm happy to pick Sansa up for the party but can I ask that you all stop pretending that I'm in love with her or something? It is patently untrue and these jokes will only make her uncomfortable.

I'll go in on the Ed Sheeran tickets.

_To English:_

Hi all,

I'm happy to pick Sansa up for the party but can I ask that you all stop pointing out that I'm in love with her? It is hard enough as it is to hide my tremendously large boner in these tight, tight pants without all of you getting on my case and have I mentioned that I'm hot for Sansa?

I'll go in on the Ed Sheeran tickets but only if I can take Sansa and motorboard her bosom to the sweet refrain of  _Thinking Out Loud_.

You're all welcome.

_\- Margie T x  
fashion queen of the southwest scene_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Sansa Stark ( _lady.stark@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 10:45am

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: Your Birthday

================================================

Arya,

Please tell me nobody said anything to Jon about _that_ and don't even _ask_ me to clarify because I know you'll just forward my email to him.

I think you'll find, Loras's excuse to rope me into one of his sister's schemes will be more along the lines of a fake fight with Renly that he'll inevitably regret making up because he daren't blaspheme his one true love. The last time that happened, I walked into the bathroom at Highgarden and found him crouched in an empty bathtub, on the phone to Renly, crying over his lies. Also, I have to know about these things in advance because it's Margaery and I need YOU to be the person who speaks with my voice and stops her from doing something crazy, like hiring a stripper, or something.

 _\- Sansa Stark_  
_boy: *thinks he has the right to speak to me*  
me: *shocked, confused, upset*_

* * *

 

 **WhatsApp Group:**  Stark Emergency

 **Created by:**  Robb Stark, on 16th October, 11:01am

 **Members:**  Robb Stark, Talisa Stark, Arya Stark, Brandon Stark, Rickon Stark

================================================

 **Robb Stark:** _What the FUCK?? are you all talking about? Jon and Sansa?!?!?!?!_  
_We leave the country for four fucking months and come back to this???_  
_My brother trying to shag my sister?_

 **Arya Stark:** _Oh my God, Robb, calm your tits._

 **Talisa Stark:** _Darling, you're more extra than I am and I'm three months pregnant. Calm down._

 **Robb Stark:** _WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??_

 **Brandon Stark:** _I would hasten to point out that Jon is not our brother, but I feel that it would be a wasted effort.  
Also, the Reeds and I are in the middle of a Trivial Pursuit tournament and if I am to be forced to partake in this conversation, they're going to think I'm cheating._

 **Robb Stark:** _HE'S AS GOOD AS OUR BROTHER._

 **Arya Stark:** _Seriously CALM YOURSELF and take another CrossFit lesson or something. It's not like this is a surprise._

 **Rickon Stark:** _Jon and Sansa have been into each other for months and it's only a matter of time before they do it._

 **Robb Stark:** _You're too young for this conversation._

 **Rickon Stark:** _You ADDED ME to this conversation._  
_Also, I am fifteen years old. I know what porn is._  
_Also fuck you._

 **Brandon Stark:** _Rickon is right. I saw this coming a mile off._

 **Talisa Stark:** _Anyone could have seen this coming._

 **Arya Stark:** _Except Robb_.

 **Rickon Stark:** _LMFAO. Sansa and Jon kissed at Arya's birthday, Robb._

 **Talisa Stark:** _You should really try to eat more fish, darling. Brain food. Or some bananas, perhaps. You don't get enough potassium._

 **Arya Stark:** _Tiny brain cannot compute.  
Do you have to say 'left right, left right' in your own head when you walk, Robb?_

 **Robb Stark:** _WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY KISSED?_

 **Arya Stark:** _Okay, so, don't freak out any more than you already have.  
But at my birthday party, everyone got a little drunk because Yara was mixing cocktails and she gave Jon and Sansa something called a Beachcomber Zombie which has absinthe in it and you know how they're both lightweights. Even Rickon could drink them both under the table._

 **Robb Stark:** _WHY WAS RICKON DRINKING?_

 **Arya Stark:** _Anyway, Loras put La Bamba on Spotify because you know how he feels about La Bamba._  
_And I guess Jon was super wasted because he got up and started mooching across the room and asked Sansa to dance._  
_She was so far gone that she said yes, and they did this kind of weird, flailing cry for help that I guess they thought was a dance of some kind, and afterwards Sansa was giggling and Jon was doing that smile he does where he looks like he's sitting on a cactus but whatever, they were happy._  
_And then they just sort of smooshed faces. It was a shameful fucking performance._

 **Robb Stark:** ………………………

 **Rickon Stark:** _And they've been acting really weird around each other since._

 **Arya Stark:** _Not making eye contact, pretending it meant nothing, except I know for a fact that it meant something to Sansa and Jon's been such a cotton-headed idiot since it happened that it's pretty obvious how he feels. Not that it wasn't before, but whatever._

 **Robb Stark:** _HOW DO YOU KNOW it meant something to Sansa?_

 **Arya Stark:** _Obviously because she told me._

 **Robb Stark:** ………………………

 **Rickon Stark:** _So fuck you, Robb._

 **Talisa Stark:** _Awwwwwww!_  
_I'm not even going to pretend that I haven't been rooting for those two!_  
_Also, darling, pick me up some Pringles on the way home from CrossFit, please?_

 **Brandon Stark:** _Offhand and unrelated to anything previously discussed, does anyone know in which 1995 movie did Bruce Willis play a convict-turned-time traveller?_

 **Robb Stark:** _That's it. I'm getting to the bottom of this RIGHT NOW._

**_Robb Stark added Jon Snow to the conversation_ **

**_Rickon Stark left the conversation_ **

**_Talisa Stark left the conversation_ **

**_Brandon Stark left the conversation_ **

**Arya Stark _:_** _LMFAO_  
_LMFAO_  
_What are you two going to do? Slap-fight like those two posh blokes from Bridget Jones?_

 **Jon Snow:** _What?_ _Hello?_

**_Arya Stark left the conversation_ **


	2. for a good time call

**WhatsApp Group:** Robb the Knob  

 **Created by:** Arya Stark, on 16th October, 11:22am  

 **Members:** Arya Stark, Brandon Stark, Rickon Stark, Talisa Stark, Gendry Baratheon  

================================================  

 **Arya Stark:** _Talisa, control your man._  

 **Brandon Stark:** _I imagine keeping Robb under control would be good practice for your own baby._      
_Also, the film in question was 12 Monkeys, if anyone was interested._   

 **Rickon Stark:** _Oh thank god you told us the name of the movie I would have lost sleep_ _for weeks BRANDON._   

 **Arya Stark:** _You've developed such an attitude_ _since your balls dropped, Ricky._  
_I bet Robb will be all like, 'WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY SISTER HURR DURR DURR???' and Jon will be like, openly weeping._   

 **Rickon Stark:** _LMFAO._   

 **Talisa Stark:** _I mean, I don't want to speak against my own husband._      
_But he's also the culprit behind my debilitating morning sickness, so frankly he deserves some abuse._  
_I honestly don't think he'd care that much if he let himself calm down because he's always talking about how Jon is exactly the kind of man he'd like to see with one of his sisters._  
_He wasn't even scheduled for CrossFit today, but he left as soon as he read your gift list and said he had to go and 'realign his chakra' or else he feared he'd punch Jon._

 **Brandon Stark:** _I already regret asking, but why does he think he can achieve this with CrossFit?_

 **Talisa Stark:** _My brother was messing with him a lot in India._ _I haven't had the heart to shatter his illusions._   

 **Rickon Stark** : _HE'S AS GOOD AS OUR BROTHER LMFAO what a tool._   

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _Just saw this. Wtf is happening??_  

 **Arya Stark:** _Babe._  

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _Babe._  

 **Rickon Stark:**   _Gendryyyyyy ole buddy ole pal. Warcraft later?_

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _Why aren't you at school?_  

 **Rickon Stark:** _Half-term innit_.

 **Arya Stark:** _He uses his phone at school anyway.  
_ _Anyway, Robb didn't react well to all that email stuff about Jon and Sansa._

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _Neither did Hot Pie. He says he felt disrespected._  

 **Arya Stark** : _I don't have time for Hot Pie's identity crisis when Robb is on the warpath. Tell him to stop baking so many pies if he's got a fucking problem with it._

* * *

 

 **WhatsApp Group:** Stark Emergency 

 **Created by:** Robb Stark, on 16th October, 11:01am 

 **Members:** Robb Stark, Jon Snow 

================================================ 

 **Robb Stark:**   _Explain yourself NOW Snow._

 **Jon Snow:**   _What?_

 **Robb Stark:**   _What do you mean, what? YOU KISSED MY FUCKING SISTER AND NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT IT?!!! WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH HER?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Oh. Yes.  
Which one? Which time?_

 **Robb Stark:**   _WHAT THE FUCK JON YOU'VE KISSED THEM BOTH?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I l4ydhove tojt fu368ck_  
_Sa890nsa_  
_All night lon3t35347343_

 **Robb Stark:** _WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _I'm so sorry, that was all Theon. I was making pancake batter and he took my phone._

 **Robb Stark:** _So you and Theon are having pancakes together without me AND you kissed both of my sisters?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _No._  
_I have never kissed Arya._  
_And as I live with Theon I can't really avoid having pancakes with him._

 **Robb Stark:**   _YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED EITHER OF THEM THEY'RE PRACTICALLY YOUR SISTERS TOO._  
_Hello?_  
_Don't Fucking IGNORE me I can see you're online!_

 **Jon Snow:** _Look, Robb._  
_I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I wanted to tell you to your face, but I meant no harm and Sansa is fine._  
_We were both very drunk, it was a mutual error of judgement, and it will never happen again._  
_I'm not proud of it, but it's up to her to judge me for my actions and she doesn't feel the way you do about it._  
_I didn't hurt her. I would never hurt her._  
_I don't want this to end our friendship, so I hope you can forgive me._

 **Robb Stark:** _You just had to go and be all fucking noble, didn't you?  
_

**Jon Snow:**   _I really am sorry._

 **Robb Stark:** _Do you have feelings for her?_  
_I know you said you didn't_  
_But like_  
_I don't fucking believe you  
And I'm just confused because_

 **Jon Snow:** _It's best that I don't answer that question. I'm not going to pursue anything with her, I promise._

 **Robb Stark:** _you were never close before and all of a sudden you're snogging???_

 **Jon Snow:** _We've gotten close since she broke her ankle. You remember how you asked me to drive her to work for a few weeks because she couldn't drive herself?_

 **Robb Stark:** _Oh great. Put this on me._

 **Jon Snow:** _No, I don't mean that._  
_It's just, you were in Mumbai and I was doing her a favour and we got to talking every day and we just got on well. She's a great person._  
_And it wasn't a snog, not really. Arya said it was more like smooshing faces._  
_I don't remember much of it. We were really drunk, which is important to remember._

 **Robb Stark:** _Since when do you get drunk?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Since Yara finished bartending school._  
_And Sansa is Sansa. You know._

 **Robb Stark:** _I know that she's my sister and that we grew up together and that I saw you with a thousand other girls before I saw you with her or Arya._  
_You call Arya your little sister for fuck's sake._  
_What the fuck is happening?_  
_Am I on a prank show?_  
_No, you'd never agree to go on television._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Look. What are you doing right now?_

 **Robb Stark:**   _I'm at the gym_.  _CrossFit's in ten minutes. Why?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Can you skip it and come to the flat? I made too much batter and Theon bought the new Fifa, and I want us to sort this out._  
_We don't have to talk about Sansa.  
In fact, I'd rather not._

 **Robb Stark:**   _You might want to reconsider that offer because I haven't ruled out punching you in the face._

 **Jon Snow:** _I'll take that risk.  
For my best mate._

 **Robb Stark:** _Yeah, alright._  
_Be there in a few._  
_Noble prick._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Gendry Baratheon, on 16th October, 11:36am 

 **Members:**   Arya Stark, Gendry Baratheon 

================================================ 

 **Gendry Baratheon:**   _Babe._

 **Arya Stark:**   _Babe._

 **Gendry Baratheon:**   _When can we tell everyone?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Not yet. It's Sansa's week._

 **Gendry Baratheon:**   _But soon, yeah?  
After her party?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Next week. Anyway you need time to have that ring resized._

 **Gendry Baratheon:**   _It's not my fault that you have tiny matchstick fingers._

 **Arya Stark:**   _You could have just asked._  
_Or measured my finger while I was sleeping._  
_There were a number of options available to you but you guessed._  
_Using your brain isn't your fucking strong suit, is it?_

 **Gendry Baratheon:**   _I tried to measure your finger while you slept_  
_And you_  
_Punched me_  
_In the balls_

 **Arya Stark:**   _I'm not taking your name, btw._  
_You can take mine._  
_Change your name to Mr. Arya Stark LOL Rickon will never let you live it down._

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _Baratheon represents the last scrap of my pride and I'm not giving it up._  
_So you can shove it up your arse._  
_I could go for some of that arse right now. Come over after classes?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _I'm putting a hold on any more sex until we're married, I've decided._

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _WHAT??!?!?!?!?!?!_  
_U serious?_  
_Arya no._  
_U R denying a crack addict his fix here._

 **Arya Stark:** _Yes why is this a PROBLEM FOR YOU? Am I only worth marrying if I PUT OUT?_

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _Of course I still want to marry you, you pain in the arse._  
_I wouldn't have spent a grand on a ring that doesn't fucking fit you if I didn't._  
_If you're serious I'll just deal with it._

 **Arya Stark:** _LOL I'm not serious._  
_I'll see you later._  
_For sex. Just to be clear._  
_Also I'll bring pizza._

 **Gendry Baratheon:**   _I fucking love you, future wife._

 **Arya Stark:**   _I fucking love you too._

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ )

 **TO:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16 th October; 1:09pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

Hi all,

Thought of another excellent gift idea for our delightful Queen S

Ooooh girl! Shake your moneymaker!!

 _\- Loras Tyrell_ _  
I'm a walking, talking white boy problem_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **TO:** Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ) 

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 1:30pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

Sansa's new favourite book is gonna be _Fifty Shades of Bronzed Buns_. I approve.

Get those clothes off, Johnny-Boy.

Also bring johnnies. One can never be too careful.

RE: Margaery, I've got everything sorted for the party including a playlist of Sansy's favourites courtesy of our little Xena.

On a serious note, BRIENNE IS DATING A ONE-LEGGED MAN SHE MET SPEED DATING.

 _\- Renly B_ _  
for a good time call 0800-RENLY_

* * *

 

 **FROM:** Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ )

 **TO:** Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **CC:**  Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 1:59pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

Hello all,

I don't believe it's appropriate to send half-naked and unsolicited photographs of Jon around via email. I certainly didn't want to see it in my inbox.

I can confirm my attendance at the party on Saturday.

I am _not_ dating a one-legged man I met whilst speed-dating. This is a complete fabrication and I would appreciate it if you would all desist in spreading gossip. You are all adults, for the most part. Don't you all have jobs to go to?

 _\- Brienne Tarth_  

* * *

 

 **FROM:** Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **TO:** Brienne Tarth ( _brienne@evenfall.com_ )

 **CC:**  Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Hot Pie ( _piping.hot.gravy@crossroadsinn.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Robb Stark ( _crossfit.robb@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ )

 **DATE:**  16th October; 2:17pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Sansa's Bday

================================================

He's a one-handed man.

 _\- Podrick Payne_    
_remember my name, PAYNE, I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly_

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Jon Snow, on 17th October, 00:01am 

 **Members:**   Jon Snow, Sansa Stark 

================================================  

 **Jon Snow:** _Happy Birthday, Sansa._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Hi! Thank you!_  
_You're my first!_  
_LOL my first happy birthday message, that is_  
_LOLOLOLOLOL_

* * *

 

 **WhatsApp Group:** Stark Women  

 **Created by:** Sansa Stark, on 17th October, 00:04am  

 **Members:** Arya Stark, Sansa Stark, Brandon Stark

================================================  

 **Sansa Stark:** _Arya Arya Arya Arya Arya_  
_Arya Arya Arya Arya Arya Arya Bran_  
_Jon is messaging me for the first time in weeks and I'm making a fool of myself!!!_  
  


**Brandon Stark:**   _I am a great believer in the encouragement of gender neutrality but I have to ask_  
_Why have I been added to a group called 'Stark Women' and at such a late hour?_  
_Also, Happy Birthday, Sansa._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Because you have so much sage wisdom and I'm in need of it._  
_I don't know what to say._  
_And I've clearly scared him off with that stupid joke._  
_Arya_  
_Arya_  
_Arya_  
_ARYA STARK!!!_

 **Brandon Stark:** _She's probably asleep._

 **Sansa Stark:** _She isn't. She came online when I created this group.  
Arya. Arya. Arya. ARYAARYAARYAARYAARYA!!!_

 **Arya Stark:** _Bloody hell!_ _ **  
**__I didn't want to have to do this._  
_But Gendry is balls-deep in me right now._  
_I literally don't have the time for this conversation._

 **Sansa Stark:** _What?!?!?!_

 **Arya Stark:** _As you can imagine._  
_Or can't, because you won't give in to your baser instincts and just bang Jon so we can all go home and end this drama._  
_He's a bit put-off by my texting you._  
_Like, I love you but goddamn._  
_I'll be ready for your crisis in an hour._  
_Maybe fifteen minutes._  
_He's really not happy about it._  
  
_**Arya Stark left the conversation**_

 **Brandon Stark:** _This is too much progression for one night._  
_I am a proud intersectional feminist but even I have a limit, and tonight I have discovered it._  
_It's my sister, talking about her boyfriend going balls deep inside_ _her._  
  
_**Brandon Stark left the conversation**_

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Jon Snow, on 17th October, 00:10am 

 **Members:**   Jon Snow, Sansa Stark 

================================================  

 **Jon Snow:**   _Hahaha.  
__I was hoping to get my happy birthday in there first._  
_Do you have anything nice planned?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Arya and Meera are taking me to dinner tomorrow night, or tonight, really.  
__Then dinner with my parents on Wednesday._  
_Loras is taking me shopping on Thursday, though I'm not supposed to know about that._  
_Mum is taking me to the West End on Friday night._  
_And then there's my surprise party on Saturday._

 **Jon Snow:** _Oh._  
_So you know about that, then?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Honestly, Jon, I'm turning 21. Did you expect Margaery to let that one slide?_

 **Jon Snow:** _About as much as I expected you to let her plan your party without sending in a spy, so not at all._

 **Sansa Stark:** _You weren't there for the Ann Summers party she threw for Brienne's last birthday._  
_Brienne was puce._

 **Jon Snow:** _I literally couldn't think of a less appropriate party for Brienne._

 **Sansa Stark:** _That's what I told Margaery, but she insisted that Brienne would love it so much that she'd overlook minor betrayals of trust._  
_I am NOT being another Brienne._  
_I asked Arya to keep it classy._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Well, if it's any consolation, I think Arya's handling it. No strippers or inappropriate paraphernalia, as far as I can tell.  
Though Margaery did ask Gendry to come in his underwear._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Margaery asked Gendry to eulogise her in his underwear, should she die unexpectedly, THAT doesn't surprise me.  
She tells me you're my date on Saturday?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Well, I agreed to pick you up and escort you to the party._  
_But only if that's alright with you._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Of course it is._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Alright._  
_I just didn't want to assume, after all of that stuff with Arya's birthday._  
_You know._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _La Bamba?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Yeah._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Well, knowing our friends the way I do, they'll probably play it fifty times over._  
_But, I mean, let's not let that get in the way of us being friends?_  
_I miss hanging out with you._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Yes._  
_Good._  
_I miss you too._  
_I miss hanging out with you, I mean._  
_Just to paint you a picture, there are four people in my flat right now and I'm the only sober one._  
_Theon is showing us all videos of a crop circle conspiracy theory that Jojen got him into._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Sounds like you're desperately in need of some of my sparkling wit.  
  
_**Jon Snow:** _The sooner the better._  
_Haha._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Haha  
Well, I'll be happy to supply it whenever you need, but now right now, unfortunately!_  
_I've got tomorrow off work but Margaery wants me to get up early for some sort of surprise, so._  
_Got to get my beauty sleep!_

 **Jon Snow:**   _You don't need beauty sleep, you're the prettiest girl I know._  
_But Margaery's probably got something big planned, so you need your energy._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Phew! I'm off the hook! I promise the next time I'm in a room with Jojen and he starts giving Theon more ideas, I'll give him a thump (through Arya, obviously) to make it up to you.  
  
_**Jon Snow:** _Hahaha. She'd do it without any reason. Loves thumping people, that one._  
  
**Sansa Stark:** _Yup. She's my little assassin._  
_Hey, Jon._  
_I'm glad we're talking again._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Me too, I missed it._  
_Goodnight, birthday girl.  
Sleep well x_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Goodnight x_

* * *

 

**Sansa Stark’s Facebook Wall**

**Date:** 17th October

================================================

**Theon Greyjoy 01:09am**

first post wins happy 21st lets get hammered AAAYYYYYYYYY

_Sansa Stark and 2 others like this_

 

**3 Comments**

**Theon Greyjoy:** CARAMBA

 **Sansa Stark:** How drunk were you last night?

 **Theon Greyjoy:** Oh Jesus.

================================================

**Podrick Payne 6:35am**

Happy Birthday, Sansa! Have a great day!

_Sansa Stark likes this_

 

**3 Comments**

**Podrick Payne:**  The boss lady says Happy Birthday also.

 **Sansa Stark:**  Tell Brienne that the greatest birthday gift she could give me is her presence on Facebook.

 **Podrick Payne:** Brienne says no.

================================================

**Rickon Stark 7:01am**

Hey sistah, happy birthday from your favourite sibling

_Sansa Stark likes this_

 

**4 Comments**

**Arya Stark:** Second favourite. Stay in your fucking lane, mon frère.

 **Brandon Stark:** Third favourite.

 **Robb Stark:** Fourth favourite?

 **Arya Stark:** No, Robb.

================================================

**Jojen Reed 7:04am**

Happy birthday, Sansa. I foresee wonderful things in your future.

_Sansa Stark likes this_

================================================

**Gendry Baratheon 8:29am**

Happy Birthday, Beanstalk x

_Sansa Stark likes this_

================================================

 **Margaery Tyrell 9:05am**  
  
Your birthday is my fucking JAM right there!  
So proud of you, honey. Here's to another 21 years of being sexy as fuck and giving no shits.  
You rock my world baby girl.

_Sansa Stark and 22 others like this_

================================================

**Yara Greyjoy 9:47am**

I got Theon drunk, hahaha. Happy birthday, legs eleven, see you soon for cocktails x

_Sansa Stark and 2 others like this_

================================================

**Arya Stark 10:32am**

So it’s 21 years to the MINUTE that you were born and I’m trying to put into words how much I love you and how glad I am that we didn’t kill each other before we grew up and you became my best friend. You were always better with words than me so sorry if I’m incoherent, but I just want to say that I fucking adore you and you are the strongest, smartest, most beautiful person I know. Happy Birthday, my Lady Stark xxx

_Sansa Stark and 38 others like this_

 

**3 Comments**

**Sansa Stark:** You’re making me cry at Waterstones. I love you so much, baby sister xxx

 **Gendry Baratheon:** This is so cute.

 **Arya Stark:** Shut the fuck up Gendry nobody asked you.

================================================

**Talisa Stark 11:00am**

Happy 21st Birthday to my wonderful sister-in-law and to my little dumpling's future godmother! I hope you’re spoiled rotten and I can’t wait to see you! Lots of love, Talisa and bump xxx

_Sansa Stark and Robb Stark like this_

================================================

**Loras Tyrell 11:57am**

BITCH IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY

_Sansa Stark and 5 others like this_

================================================

**Renly Baratheon 12:24pm**

I don’t have any naked photos of Jon to post to your Wall but isn’t it LESS worrying that I don’t? Happy Birthday, beautiful! xxx

_Loras Tyrell and 7 others like this_

================================================

**Meera Reed 1:11pm**

Happy Birthday, Sansa! I love you even more than I love your annoying brother xxx

_Sansa Stark likes this_

================================================

**Robb Stark 2:10pm**

Happy Birthday to my beautiful little sister. Have a great day and remember that no man will ever be good enough for you, no matter how sad his eyes are or how much I approve (BEGRUDGINGLY). Love from your Big Brother X

_Sansa Stark likes this_

 

**10 Comments**

**Sansa Stark:** Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but what?

 **Arya Stark:** Your chakras are off-balance, mate

 **Robb Stark: @Talisa Stark** Care to explain this?

 **Talisa Stark:** LMAO

 **Arya Stark:** Why did you capitalise Big Brother? Are you THE Big Brother?

 **Brandon Stark:** Robb is a totalitarian surveillance state? Huh. Who knew? 

 **Arya Stark:** He hid it so well.

 **Brandon Stark:** Behind the smokescreen of regular CrossFit classes.

 **Renly Baratheon:** Para bailar la bamba!

 **Sansa Stark:** NO

_================================================_

**Brandon Stark 4:20pm**

Unlike our malcontent elder brother, I recognise that you don't need the approval of a male family member to pursue a romance with any individual - say Jon, for example, just to pick a name out of a hat at random. Though there was only one name in the hat. In any case, I hope this qualifies ME as your favourite sibling. Happy Birthday, Sansa x

_Arya Stark and 6 others like this_

 

**6 Comments**

**Arya Stark: @Robb Stark**

**Robb Stark:** I liked Bran better before he swallowed a dictionary.

 **Brandon Stark:** It is literally impossible to swallow a dictionary, as even before I could begin the unfeasible task of squeezing a tome of such a size down my throat, I'd need to fit it into my mouth first. Please consult your wife, a noted surgeon, for further information.

 **Arya Stark:** What about a pocket dictionary?

 **Loras Tyrell:** IDK. I've had a lot of practice at fitting large things in my mouth.

 **Margaery Tyrell:** LMFAO

================================================

**Brian Hothpie 6:30pm**

Happy birthday Sansa! Many happy returns!

_Sansa Stark likes this_

**10 Comments**

**Theon Greyjoy:** It's Hot Pie!

 **Arya Stark:** Happy Hot Pie, Sansa!

 **Loras Tyrell:** Many Hot Pie returns!

 **Renly Baratheon:** Feeling Hot Hot Pie!

 **Margaery Tyrell:** I like Hot Pies and I cannot lie.

 **Podrick Payne:** Some like it Hot Pie.

 **Brian Hothpie:** Omg I hate you all.

 **Rickon Stark:** Hot Pies don't cry.

 **Yara Greyjoy:** You're a Hot Mess, Hot Pie.

 **Sansa Stark:** Wtf?


	3. rickroll out of the womb

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Brandon Stark, on 18th October, 8:42am 

 **Members:**   Brandon Stark, Arya Stark

================================================  

 **Brandon Stark:**   _Congratulations on your recent engagement._

 **Arya Stark:**   _What_ _  
How the fuck did you know?_  
_Did Gendry tell you?_

 **Brandon Stark:** _Nobody told me._

 **Arya Stark:** _What the fuck, Bran?_  
_I hate it when you do this_  
_How did you know?_  
_Brandon fucking Stark don't put yourself in fucking incognito mode_  
_You are literally unable to walk don't think I can't hunt you down_  
_Seriously Bran_  
_Tell me_  
_Tell me_  
_This isn't fucking funny_  
_BRANDON_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **TO:** Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **CC:**  Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:13pm

 **SUBJECT:**  Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

HEY MY PROZZIES

Bonjour, my chosen ones. My select few. My magnificent eleven. My inner circle.

We begin Wednesday's email chain with some sad news, for it is my solemn duty to inform you that the lady Sansa's most formative birthday has been and gone, and yet, the most erotic thing she did yesterday was purchase a romance novel during a trip to Waterstones that lasted _two hours_.

"But Margaery!" you might say. "Books are cool!"

To you I say this – I was with her for the entire duration of that trip, having so selflessly agreed to a day of Sansa-themed events, and our tour of Waterstones was the highlight of an afternoon which included browsing through a knitting supplies shop (it smelled strongly of dead cat) and a particularly memorable hour of _pottery glazing_. AND I didn't have _one_ coffee the _ENTIRE TIME_.

Jon was SUPPOSED to have sex with her. We all knew it. It was on Arya's thoughtful gift list. The boy shirked his responsibilities and we're all furious about it.

"But Margaery!" you might say. "It's not right to interfere with someone else's love life!"

To you I say this – you've obviously never met Jon 'Death Cab speaks to my soul and I ruin everything and I couldn't just whip my dick out this one time because I'm brooding and pressing wildflowers in my fucking bedroom' Snow. He and Sansa are SUPPOSED to be together, but they're not, owing largely to Jon's complete incompetence in the field of romance. We owe it to Sansa to interfere.

So anyway! Below are some tasks!

 **Arya** – Romance is as easy as taking a new face, if a girl knows the way.

 **Talisa** – My precious lotus flower, if you're not too busy saving lives and being the sole breadwinner in your household, could you perhaps try to convince your caveman husband to approve the union? Our efforts will all be in vain if a single Stark sets him or herself against them because Jon isn't woman enough to stand up for herself (sidenote: leave Robb and move in with Yara and me, om nom nom)

 **Theon** \- Thrust Jon into an unexpected blind date with someone  _terrible_  to further cement the strength and the eventuality of Jonsa.

 **Gendry** – I don't have a job for you but I hear congratulations are in order!

 **Yara** – Sugar, I've asked Talisa to move in with us. Hope that's okay.

 **Loras** \- Share more gym pics of Jon during tomorrow's shopping date.

As for **Renly** , **Bran** , **Meera** , **Jojen** and **Pod** , I need to see some  _serious_ Pavlovian conditioning on social media.

Fly, my pretties, fly!

 _\- Margie T x_  
_fashion queen of the southwest scene_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ )

 **TO:** Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:25pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

I thought we weren't supposed to be telling anyone but now that it's out, thank you! You're all invited to the wedding!

 _\- Gendry_ _  
u can't touch this unless you're Arya, who chose this signature and this email address_

* * *

 

 **FROM:** Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **TO:** Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ )

 **CC:**  Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:29pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT????!?!?!?!?!?!

I WAS TALKING ABOUT GOING BALLS-DEEP IN ARYA BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY BALLS-DEEP IN _ENGAGEMENT_?!?!?!

_\- Margie T x_   _  
fashion queen of the southwest scene_

* * *

 **FROM:**  Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ )

 **TO:** Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:31pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

GET IN, MATE!

£5 says he got her pregnant.

 

_- Theon Greyjoy  
my sister has fucked more women than me (I lost a bet, fuck you Yara)_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ )

 **TO:** Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:34pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

HOLY SHIT A WEDDING I LOVE WEDDINGS!!!! I'm so happy for you both!

LMFAO Imagine Gendry with a baby tho.

Gendry: *throws £10 into crib* Order yourself a pizza, kiddo

Baby: But I'm only six months old! I don't have teeth!

Gendry: *gets distracted by a shiny object*

 _\- Loras Tyrell_ _  
I'm a walking, talking white boy problem_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ )

 **TO:** Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:38pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

If Gendry had a baby he'd lose it at Nando's.

Talisa, babe, there's room for you on Paradise Island.

_\- Yara Greyjoy  
fucking more women than Theon since 1989_

* * *

**FROM:**  Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_

 **TO:** Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:39pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

Having rendered my well wishes to Arya privately, I can only say that I am so relieved that this news is finally out. It has been such a weight upon my shoulders to keep it a secret. I wish you both a lifetime of nonviolent happiness.

Loras, that is a tremendously advanced baby you have imagined. Full speech capability at six months? I can only assume that he/she takes after his/her mother.

Baby Stark-Baratheon, for your reference.

_- Brandon Stark  
_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ )

 **TO:** Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:42pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

Congratulations, Arya and Gendry!

I hope your life together is full of love and happiness, and that your child looks nothing like that photograph.

If Arya is pregnant, Gendry's going to have to carry the baby to term like a seahorse.

_\- Meera Reed_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **TO:** Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:46pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

CONGRATULATIONS GENDARYA!!

At least one of my ships is a'sailing.

That baby looks like a Human Resources manager named Pam crossed with this guy.

_\- Renly B_   _  
for a good time call 0800-RENLY_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:** Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 12:55pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

Oh my goodness! Congratulations, Arya and Gendry! I'm so excited for you both! Both of you must come over for a celebratory dinner soon!

Margie, of course I will talk to Robb, though I may hold off on the news of the engagement. His poor little heart can only take so much. If he doesn't accept the inevitability of Jonsa, as you say, I'll leave him and move in with you.

 _\- Dr. Talisa Stark, MBBS_ _  
_

* * *

 

 **FROM:**  Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **TO:** Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ )

 **CC:**  Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 1:15pm

 **SUBJECT:** RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

LMFAO that baby's gonna rickroll out of the womb.

Congratulations, Arya and Gendry!

 _\- Podrick Payne_    
_remember my name, PAYNE, I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly_

* * *

 

 **FROM:** Arya Stark ( _agirlhasnochill@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:** Podrick Payne ( _irespectwomen@housepayne.com_ )

 **CC:**  Talisa Stark ( _drtalisa@winterfell.com_ ), Margaery Tyrell ( _make.it.rain@highgarden.com_ ), Gendry Baratheon ( _aryaismyboss@stormsend.com_ ), Yara Greyjoy ( _one.woman.army@pyke.com_ ), Brandon Stark ( _3eyedraven@winterfell.com_ ), Meera Reed ( _curly.souffle@greywater.com_ ), Jojen Reed ( _the.truth.is.out.there@greywater.com_ ), Theon Greyjoy ( _king.theon@pyke.com_ ), Loras Tyrell ( _heygurlhey@highgarden.com_ ), Renly Baratheon ( _i.luv.loras@stormsend.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 1:28pm

 **SUBJECT:**  RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Operation Jonsa – TOP SECRET NOBODY SAY A WORD

================================================

Gendry Baratheon, I'm going to peel your face off and bake you in a fucking pie, you absolute utter waste of human life asdhijgso0ifhdjsdofhijsfjg

Also, thank you everyone for your congratulations. Except for Bran. FUCK YOU, BRAN.

 _- Arya Stark_  
_I could probably take you_

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Brandon Stark, on 18th October, 1:34pm 

 **Members:**   Brandon Stark, Jon Snow

================================================  

 **Brandon Stark:**   _For your perusal._

__

**Jon Snow:**   _What the fuck, Bran?_  
_I hate it when you do things like this_  
_Why have you done this?_  
_Don't do that thing where you go into incognito mode and pretend to be offline_  
_This isn't funny, and that baby is terrifying_  
_Why is the baby wearing lipstick?_  
_And you used a really bad picture of me._  
_Bran, seriously_  
_This isn't fucking funny_  
_BRANDON_

* * *

**Sansa Stark’s Facebook Timeline**

**Date:**  18th October

================================================

 **Jojen Reed** is feeling  _pensive_

Horoscopes for the week ending 22nd October

 **Aries (March 21-April 19):** Don't ignore opportunities at work. Especially if your most-hated colleague leaves their lunch unattended.

 **Taurus (April 20-May 20):** Your life may be awful, but nuclear war is imminent, so you probably won't be alive for much longer anyway.

 **Gemini (May 21-June 20):** Beware the one-legged man.

 **Cancer (June 21-July 22):** Date a one-handed man instead.

 **Leo (July 23-August 22):** Your friends say you are crazy because you think you're being followed. Your friends are wrong.

 **Virgo (August 23-September 22):** Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.

 **Libra (September 23-October 22):** As marS travEls into libra, you may find yourself eXcited to form a romantic connection With a childhood frIend whom once you looked upon as a sort of relaTive - not a brother, perHaps, but that distant cousin who never Joins in on family events and dOesn't come out of his room wheN you visit your aunt. you may feel a reSistance to such a union, but fear not, because stars are aligniNg for you both, even if it makes you feel ashamed, and especially if yOur eldest brother disapproves of the match. what does he knoW anyway, he once used 'enunciate' to mean 'embellish' in casual conversation, so open yourself up to love, and what seems like a wintry wasteland will soon become a romance you'll never forget.

 **Scorpio (October 23-November 21):** You are sympathetic and understanding of people's problems. What do you want, a medal?

 **Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):** You will be poisoned to death at your own wedding. Haha.

 **Capricorn (December 22-January 19):** You are shrewd in business matters. Pity you work in retail.

 **Aquarius (January 20 to February 18):** It's peanut butter jelly time. Peanut. Butter. Jelly time.

 **Pisces (February 19 to March 20):** I've run out of things to say at this stage.

 _Loras Tyrell_ _and 10 others like this_

* * *

**Sansa Stark’s Facebook Timeline**

**Date:**  18th October

================================================

 **Jon Snow** has added you as a friend

 **Accept**                   **Decline**

You are now connected with **Jon Snow**

 **Jon Snow** and **Arya Stark** are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Theon Greyjoy**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Rickon Stark**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Brandon Stark**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Loras Tyrell**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Jojen Reed**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Meera Reed**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Margaery Tyrell**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Podrick Payne**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Talisa Stark**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Renly Baratheon**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Yara Greyjoy**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** and  **Gendry Baratheon**  are now friends

 **Jon Snow** added a profile photo

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Sansa Stark, on 18th October, 5:51pm 

 **Members:**   Sansa Stark, Jon Snow

================================================ 

 **Sansa Stark:** _Hey! You finally got Facebook! I love your profile photo!  
__I think Meera took that photo, right? At mum and dad's anniversary party?  
__You look great in it, oh my god I look such a mess though._  
_Anyway, welcome to the 21st century!_  
_Instagram next, please!_  
  
**Jon Snow:** _........... sorry what?_

* * *

 **FROM:**  Jon Snow ( _jon.snow@winterfell.com_ )

 **TO:** Sansa Stark ( _lady.stark@winterfell.com_ )

 **DATE:**  18th October; 6:05pm

 **SUBJECT:**  Confession

================================================

Dear Sansa,

In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

My love burneth not as a candle flickering in the darkness, but with the unyielding passion of a thousand suns.

My darling, you hath not left my thoughts since the moment I smashed my face into your face at your sister's dance party. Run away with me and we shall be wed beneath a canopy of stars, whilst a Spanish guitarist serenades us with an acoustic version of _La Bamba_.

Yours eternally,

 _\- Jon Snow_  
_President of the Sansa Stark fan club_

* * *

**Sansa Stark’s Facebook Timeline**

**Date:**  18th October

================================================

 **Jon Snow**  is feeling _romantic_ with  **Sansa Stark**

A poem I wrote for Sansa (to the tune of Death Cab's 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark')

Love of mine, some day you will die  
If I keep taking so long to make up my mind  
I'm afraid of **Robb Stark**  
His CrossFit-toned fists want to knock out my lights  
But I just want to make love to you all night  
Yo no soy marinero, Lady Stark

If your brother should decide  
That he is satisfied  
Or if I get over myself and stop being a fucking coward  
If there's no one beside you  
When a million years pass and I pull my head out of my ass  
Then I'll stop being scared of Robb Stark

When you tasted my drool (because I was drunk and smooshed your face) it was oh so cool  
And my balls have been turned blue by a lady in black (that picture of you from that Spanish restaurant you went to with Margaery that one time, hubba hubba)  
And I held my dick as I thought,  
"Damn, I'm so hot for Sansa."  
I never want to go back

If your brother should decide  
That he is satisfied  
Or if I get over myself and stop being a fucking coward  
If there's no one beside you  
When a million years pass and I pull my head out of my ass  
Then I'll stop being scared of Robb Stark

You and me have seen everything to see  
Except your naked body baby  
Which I really want to see because I'm thirsty for you, Sansa Stark, just to be clear  
The time for brooding by myself is over  
No more pancakes for one  
No more spending Saturday night watching clips from the Graham Norton show on YouTube because I'm so alone  
In the blackest of rooms

If your brother should decide  
That he is satisfied  
Or if I get over myself and stop being a fucking coward  
If there's no one beside you  
When a million years pass and I pull my head out of my ass  
Then I'll stop being scared of Robb Stark  
I'll stop being scared of Robb Stark

_Arya Stark and 8 others like this_

**6 Comments**

**Robb Stark:** I don't find this one bit funny.

 **Jon Snow:** There's nothing funny about this right here, Robb

**Jon Snow: @Sansa Stark**

**Robb Stark:** What the fuck is going on????!

 **Brandon Stark:** It's not up to the level of Keats, but it's passable, I suppose

 **Margaery Tyrell:** Fucking Death Cab again

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Jon Snow, on 18th October, 6:48pm 

 **Members:**  Arya Stark, Jon Snow

================================================ 

 **Jon Snow:** _WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _For the love of god, your password was 'Password1'_  
_It's your own fucking fault, Jonathan_


	4. unnecessarily large moustaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long delay! I took very ill unexpectedly and have been on a long bout of bed rest, so I haven't been near my computer. I hope this chapter makes up for it.

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Sansa Stark, on 18th October, 10:42pm

 **Members:**  Sansa Stark, Arya Stark

================================================

 **Sansa Stark:** _Did you just hack Jon's email and set up a fake Facebook account in his name?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _I did not._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Are you lying?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _yes_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Okay. Next question._  
_Why are you trying to torture me?_  
_I mean, I assume you're trying to torture me, since I'm currently being tortured._  
_If so, then objective achieved._

 **Arya Stark:**   _GAWD Sansa._  
_Just because Robb, Bran, Rickon and I are all extra as fuck, that doesn't mean you should feel the need to fit in._  
_You're the sensible one. The responsible one. You keep us grounded. We're all fucked if you lose your chill._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Do you honestly have no comprehension of just how embarrassed I am?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _I'm not familiar with this emotion, so no._  
_Do you want to see Murder on the Orient Express with me next month? I know Johnny Depp's in it but if he's playing the victim I can just about deal with it._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Rickon took a screenshot of that Facebook poem and sent it to our mother. She read it during our dinner._

 **Arya Stark:**   _LOLOLOLOL tell her it's rude to check your phone at dinner._  
_Also seriously, do you want to see the movie?_  
_Gendry won't go with me, he's freaked out by unnecessarily large moustaches._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Arya, I am Dad-level serious and I need you to understand that._  
_I genuinely thought that Jon had set up a Facebook account and chose a profile photo with me in it and I sent him a message about it before I realised the truth, so now I feel like a complete idiot._

 **Arya Stark:**   _In my defence_  
_I considered sending a dick pic but I didn't want to Google search for stock photos of dicks and I figured whatever I sent would set you up for disappointment later._  
_I've always assumed that Jon was all smooth down there like Barbie's boyfriend._  
_I mean, not 'always' because I've never considered his bits before, but seriously, does he even HAVE them? That seems impossible and weird._  
_His email was SO easy to hack. I was doing him a favour. Online security is important, Sansa. He'll thank me when his debit card information isn't posted on Reddit._  
_Also, I'd never hack you and I've hacked the rest of our family which surely means I love you the most._  
_Robb only does CrossFit because I bought him a pair of jeans from Jacamo using his email address and he freaked out thinking that he was getting fat and that Jacamo could sense it somehow and sent him free jeans._  
_How is he going to raise a child?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Irrelevant???????_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Sorry. What did you say to Jon about the profile pic?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _I said that it was a nice picture but that I looked horrible in it and that I was happy that he had Facebook._  
_And don't use Robb's incompetence to distract me._  
_Although I do want to come back to that later._

 **Arya Stark:**   _That's not even embarrassing._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _What if I had believed the email and the poem and told him how I feel about him?_  
_We have only JUST re-established a tenuous friendship and it would have ruined everything._  
_Jon can't even shop at the HMV on Oxford Street because a cashier winked at him once and he feels too awkward to go back._  
_Imagine if I'd admitted that I'm in love with him?_  
_I mean, I'm not._  
_But I have feelings. There are some feelings. That's bad enough._

 **Arya Stark:** _There is absolutely NO way that you would have believed it was serious. You're not Robb, who by any fucking stretch of the imagination should have lost his trust fund to a Nigerian prince from the internet by now._  
_Anyway, if you had been thick enough to reply to the email with some romantic trash I would have deleted it._  
_Also!_  
_I'm really sorry that I hurt you because I would NEVER do that on purpose._  
_Margaery thought that it might push Jon to 'live his truth' or something._  
_I mean I just wanted to embarrass him because Margie is nuts._  
_But not you, my sister who I would literally kill for should occasion arise._  
_Also, Gendry and I are getting married._  
_I didn't want to tell you until after your party but he accidentally told half of our friends already and also this is totally going to distract you from being mad at me._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _WHAT?_  
_YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?!?!?!?!?!?!_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Called it._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _But but but_  
_You're really getting married?_  
_Gendry asked you and you said yes?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Yeah, but like, don't start crying or ask to see the ring or anything. It's getting resized and I forgot to take a picture of it._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _OH MY GOD_  
_OH MY GOD_  
_ARYA!!!! OF COURSE I'M CRYING!!_  
_CONGRATULATIONS!!!_  
_WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Last week or something?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _WHAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHEN I SAW YOU YESTERDAY??_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Because it's your birthday week and I didn't want to steal your thunder because I am a thoughtful sister despite my admittedly worrying penchant for hacking email accounts for fun._  
_Also, will you be my best man._  
_Or whatever it's called._  
_Best maid._  
_Minute maid._  
_That's a juice, isn't it?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _IT'S MAID OF HONOUR AND YES!!!!!!!_

 **Arya Stark:**   _Cool._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _On one condition._

 **Arya Stark:**   _I'm not having a fucking bridal shower._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _YES YOU ARE and I'm planning it, but that's not what I mean._  
_Give Jon his password back._  
_Along with a full apology._

 **Arya Stark:**   _Please. You're not going to refuse just because I won't tell Jon that I'm sorry._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Maybe not, but I'll enlist Margaery to help plan your hen party if you don't._

 **Arya Stark:**   _Oh for fuck's sake._  
_FINE._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Arya Stark, on 19th October, 9:58am

 **Members:**  Arya Stark, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Arya Stark:**   _Do you want to see Murder on the Orient Express next month?_  
_Gendry won't go with me, he's freaked out by large ensemble casts._  
_Also, I apologise for pointing out the obvious flaws in your email security measures, but I'm confident that you will thank me in time.  
Also, thank YOU in advance for realising that there's no point in getting all mopey and self-righteous about it because nobody likes you when you do that._

 **Jon Snow:**   _…………………………………………………_  
_Excuse me?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _I don't need to repeat myself, you can literally reread the message._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Are you serious?_  
_You hacked my email account and set up a fake Facebook AS me, and you're asking me to go to the cinema as if nothing happened?_  
_I want my email access back._

 **Arya Stark:** _Yes, I'm serious._  
_It has murder in it._  
_I love murder._  
_I genuinely don't know why you're surprised._

 **Jon Snow:** _I honestly don't have time for this._  
_Give me back my email password._

 **Arya Stark:**   _Murder_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Arya, my password. Now._

 **Arya Stark:**   _Murder_

 **Jon Snow:**   _This isn't funny._

 **Arya Stark:**   _MURDER_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Stop talking about murder and give me the password, Arya. For the love of god._

 **Arya Stark:**   _Holy shit, Jon._  
_Sometimes you make Robb look like Rene fucking Descartes._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Arya Stark, on 19th October, 10:14am

 **Members:**  Sansa Stark, Arya Stark

================================================

 **Arya Stark:**   _So I apologised to Jon and gave him the new password to his email account but he's being a real huffy Horatio about it._  
_He won't accept the password or the apology._  
_He's gone too far this time._  
_Bitch._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Again, I have to ask._  
_Are you lying?_

 **Arya Stark:**   _No._  
_I thought your taste would run to more intelligent men than this, honestly, Sansa._  
_I'm a little disappointed._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _That's because you've never kissed him._

 **Arya Stark:**   _I would literally rather kiss the cold, unforgiving lips of death than snog Jon._  
_But whatever floats your boat, I guess._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Sansa Stark, on 19th October, 10:19am

 **Members:** Sansa Stark, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Sansa Stark:** _Hey. Um. This is a little awkward, but Arya says that she apologised and gave you back your email password, and that you refused to accept it. Is that true?_

 **Jon Snow:** _No? She asked me to take her to the cinema and wouldn't shut up about that murder film._  
_That was it, really._  
_I have no idea what she's talking about._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Oh._  
_Right._  
_She asked me to see that with her too but I got distracted and forgot to answer her._  
_Are you sure she didn't give you the password? She was adamant when I spoke to her._  
_More importantly, are you okay after last night's drama?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I think I'm the one who should be asking you that question._  
_Theon showed me the Facebook post and I'm really sorry that you were dragged into this mess._  
_I hope that, if you're seeing anybody, which is none of my business but hypothetically, if you are, that it didn't cause any problems because I'd feel terrible if he was somehow put off by that post._

 **Sansa Stark:** _No boyfriend for me! Don't worry!_  
_Not that you worry about my relationship status but, y'know, for the sake of your conscience._  
_Arya's meddling hath left not a hint of carnage in its wake and my life is in tippy-top shape._

 **Jon Snow:** _Tippy-top?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Look, I just spent my morning giving a talk on consent to a bunch of six-year-olds. Don't hold it against me._

 **Jon Snow:** _That honestly sounds complicated and terrifying._

 **Sansa Stark:** _It's easier than you'd think. I'll demonstrate._  
_Scenario: Jenny is being tickled by Ben, but she doesn't want to be tickled. If Jenny uses words like 'stop,' or 'no,' this means that Ben must immediately stop, even if Jenny is laughing and doesn't look sad._

 **Jon Snow:** _Wow. I never would have thought of something that simple. I probably would have confused them more._

 **Sansa Stark:** _I wish I could take credit for it, but I get a lot of my best ideas from Doc McStuffins._

 **Jon Snow:** _I have no idea who that is._  
_But I doubt that he/she could do as good a job as you._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Doc McStuffins is a plucky little girl who cares for her stuffed animals using her playhouse clinic and fixes them when they get torn or lose their buttons._  
_Also, she is magic._  
_She is a heroine._  
_She is exponentially better than me, Jon._

 **Jon Snow:** _Hang on a second._  
_I believe it was you who fixed Rickon's suit jacket when he fell out of that tree._

 **Sansa Stark:** _I did, actually!_  
_I'd forgotten about that._  
_Do you think that counts as a heroic act? I did save him from my mother's wrath, which is no small thing._

 **Jon Snow:** _Absolutely, it counts. I know your mother. She's terrifying._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Well then. I'll take it._  
_I've never been the heroic one. That's usually your job._  
_Or Arya's, when she's not hacking into email accounts._

 **Jon Snow:** _You teach children about consent. That's heroic, because you're likely protecting them from being harmed further down the line._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Do you think?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Absolutely._

 **Sansa Stark:** _I really hope so._  
_The kids are fine, really. Teenage boys are awful._  
_I don't know if Arya told you about this, but I was at a school in Belgravia last week and there was one little shit there who kept interrupting the presentation and making really disgusting, sexual comments about me that I am NOT going to repeat but suffice to say, the deputy head should have done more than stand there looking uncomfortable._  
_What's the point in hiring me to speak about a thing if you're not prepared to enforce it yourself?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Are you serious? That's completely out of line._  
_What school?_  
_What was the deputy head's name?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _You're not going to beat him up like you did with Petyr the Creeper, are you?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I was just wondering if you could put in a complaint._

 **Sansa Stark:** _I'm only kissing._  
_Kidding!!!_  
_Stupid autocorrect._  
_ANYWAY_

 **Jon Snow:** _I_ _mean, I'll beat him up if you want._

 **Sansa Stark:** _The deputy_   _head or the little shit?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Either. Both._

 **Sansa Stark:** _It's tempting, but that would almost certainly result in your arrest, and I can't have you going to prison on my account._  
_Who would take me to my surprise party?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I'd suggest Arya, but she'd probably take you to the cinema to see that murder movie she's so obsessed with._  
_We should see it without her. She'd be so angry._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Oh my god. Definitely._  
_Vengeance at last._

 **Jon Snow:** _It's a deal._  
_I'll get the tickets. Consider it one of your birthday gifts._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _One of?? Ooooooooh?_  
_Am I getting gifts PLURAL?_

 **Jon Snow:** _So anyway, if I was still a teenage boy and you came to my school to talk about consent, I'd listen to you and take you seriously._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Is this you changing the subject?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Yes._  
_But it's true. I would have listened, so I'm sure others are listening too._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _I know you would, and I love you for saying it, but most teenage boys aren't like you._  
_You now or you ten years ago._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Most teenage boys are better at choosing passwords than I am, yeah?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _No, silly._  
_I meant that you're honourable, and you respect women, and you'd never need someone to explain consent to you._  
_Even on Arya's birthday when you were drunk._  
_You asked me for permission to do the whole 'face-smooshing' thing._  
_You're like Dad or Robb in that way, except we're not related._  
_And you've got better hair._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Podrick Payne, on 19th October, 11:03am

 **Members:**  Podrick Payne, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Podrick Payne:**   _Hey mate. Brienne wants to know if you can take an extra shift tomorrow night._

 **Jon Snow:**   _I'm in love with Sansa._

 **Podrick Payne:**   _Um._

 **Jon Snow:**   _I'm sorry._  
_I had to say it, and I can't say it to her._  
_Don't tell anyone. Please._

 **Podrick Payne:**   _I won't, mate._  
_Do you want to talk about it?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _No._

 **Podrick Payne:**   _No worries. Can you work tomorrow night?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Yeah, that's fine._  
_I don't know what to do._  
_I can't tell her._  
_But I do love her._  
_Shit_  
_Shit_  
_Shit_

 **Podrick Payne:**   _I'm sensing that you do, in fact, want to talk about it._

 **Jon Snow:**   _No._  
_I'm sorry._  
_Forget I said anything._  
_Sorry._  
_It's actually Theon with my phone._  
_Haha._  
_What time does Brienne want me there tomorrow?_

 **Podrick Payne:** _Jon, it's 2017. Men can talk about their feelings._  
_Actually, it's medically advised. Do you know that the suicide rate is far higher for men than it is for women?_  
_That's because we don't have the same emotional support network as our female friends._  
_This has been enabled by the culture of toxic masculinity, which harms women AND men, for while the aforementioned 'toxic' males perpetuate acceptance of rape-culture, victim-blaming and objectification of women, the same males expect OTHER men to conform to the masculine stereotype._  
_That includes bottling up ones feelings instead of discussing your worries._  
_Also, Brienne says 5pm to midnight._

 **Jon Snow:** _Great. Thanks._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Theon Greyjoy, on 19th October, 12:45pm

 **Members:**  Theon Greyjoy, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Theon Greyjoy:**   _Drinks & pool @ Crossroads later._  
_9pm SHARP!_  
_And before you start, you're fucking going. I don't want to hear any of this 'but I'm tired' bullshit._  
_You're 14 years old, you've got no right to be tired._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Alright.  
I also don't feel like I need to point out that I'm not fourteen._

 **Theon Greyjoy:** _Alright?? What the fuck does that mean?_  
_You're not going to fight me on this?_  
_Thought you preferred staying in and moping lately?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I could do with a drink.  
Who's going?_

 **Theon Greyjoy:** _The lads. The band of brothers. The el-dude gang._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Just you and Yara, then._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Loras Tyrell, on 19th October, 3:42pm

 **Members:** Loras Tyrell, Sansa Stark

================================================

 **Loras Tyrell:** _Sansa I'm distressed and need cheering up._  
_Can I be a total gay stereotype and take you shopping?_  
_As luck would have it, I'm ever so close to your office!_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Yes, Loras, I can see you waving at me from the window._  
_The whole office can see you._  
_Why are you distressed?_

 **Loras Tyrell:** _For so many reasons._  
_Brexit._  
_Trump._  
_I keep getting mistaken for that guy from Iron Fist._  
_Which is like, the worst of the Marvel shows._  
_I had a horrible dream that you went blonde again._  
_I hate that new Bake-Off judge. I miss Mary Berry. She was so soothing._  
_Take your pick, my life is a disaster._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Why is everyone I know so dramatic?  
I'm finished in fifteen minutes. You'll have to wait for me until then._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _You look a little distressed yourself._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Stalker._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _What's up, pumpkin?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Urgh.  
I sent Jon a semi-flirty text and he hasn't replied._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _Oooh what text what text???_

 **Sansa Stark:** _I'll tell you when I get out._  
_I'm not leaving a paper trail in WhatsApp for you to send to Margaery and Renly and goodness knows who else._  
_I know you're all colluding. I wasn't born yesterday._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _I can't believe you'd level such accusations at a DISTRESSED person._  
_Jon probably hasn't replied because your semi-flirty text excited him and he's wanking himself into a coma._  
_Just wanking himself dry._  
_Wanking himself to death._  
_That CAN happen, you know. I looked it up in my teens._  
_Purely for scientific purposes._  
_Imagine that._  
_Jon Snow. Wanked to death. Found drowned in a bathtub of his own semen._  
_That's a nice yogurt you're eating there._

 **Sansa Stark:** _OMG Loras I hate you._

* * *

 

**Sansa Stark’s Facebook Timeline**

**Date:**  19th October

================================================

**Jon Snow**

Can't wait for my romantic spa weekend with my lover  **Sansa Stark**!!!! Not long until I pound you in the sauna after a relaxing massage and an exfoliating facial because I'm so pretty and definitely put a lot of effort into maintaining my good looks even though I pretend that I roll out of bed looking like a Jimmy Choo cologne model. Also  **Arya Stark** is a paragon of excellence who continues to provide me with top quality friendship even though I'm too stupid to understand basic English. Arya is so great. She is definitely my best friend. I like her so much more than  **Robb Stark** who sucks in every way, especially at CrossFit. Going to the gym with Robb is humiliating. I have to pretend that I don't know who he is. Amateur.

_Brandon Stark and 6 others like this_

 

**17 Comments**

**Robb Stark:**  WTF JON??! I am NOT a CrossFit amateur!

 **Jon Snow:**  I thought you'd value my candour, Robert.

 **Robb Stark:** What the hell is your problem?

 **Jon Snow:** YOU'RE my problem, you CrossFit-obsessed chunkster. Go buy another pair of jeans from Jacamo.

 **Robb Stark:** I have 18% body fat!

 **Jon Snow:** 18%? Hah! Could be 17% you fucking FAILURE.

 **Jon Snow:** Jon Snow OUT.

 **Jon Snow:** P.S. your sister gives me a mega hard-on.

 **Jon Snow:** BOI-OI-OING

 **Brandon Stark:** I didn't think this needed to be pointed out but @ **Robb** , you do realise that this isn't actually Jon, right?

 **Robb Stark:** It's not??! What? Who is it?

 **Arya Stark:** Surprise, bitch.

 **Arya Stark:** I can't believe you thought this was actually Jon. Since when does Jon swear or get boners? He has no genitals.

 **Robb Stark:** You're all acting very childishly. **@Catelyn Stark**

 **Arya Stark:** Oh, sure. The grown man goes running to mother because of an innocent joke.

 **Catelyn Stark:** Answer your phone RIGHT NOW, Arya.

 **Renly Baratheon:** Para bailar la bamba!

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Jon Snow, on 19th October, 7:14pm

 **Members:**  Sansa Stark, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Jon Snow:**   _I think I might owe Arya an apology.  
Well, not an apology, but some acknowledgement that she did give me my email password._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _???_

 **Jon Snow:**   _I'm an idiot. The password was 'murder'.  
__She told me several times, I just didn't realise because I thought she was talking about the film._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _I'm sure_ _that was all part of her master plan. Don't worry about it.  
You okay?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I'm fine. Sorry for not replying earlier, by the way. Got distracted by a work thing._  
_Are you free on November 3rd?_  
_That's when the film is coming out._  
_Assuming you were serious about wanting to see it._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _I'm serious if you're serious._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Cool, I can't book tickets yet but I'll do it as soon as they're on sale._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Should we bring Arya?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Absolutely not._ _She signed me up for some really strange newsletters and opened up accounts with my email address.  
I've got receipts for a bunch of things she bought, too._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Let me guess. She bought you a couples' spa weekend?_

 **Jon Snow:**   _Yeah, she did. In the Cotswolds.  
How did you know?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Um. You might_ _want to sign in to the Facebook account she set up for you._

 **Jon Snow:**   _I can't. The password for that is different._  
_Why?  
__What did she do?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _It's fine. Doesn't matter._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Sansa?_  
_What did she do?  
__Seriously, just tell me._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _Alright._  
_Hang on a sec.  
__Just don't freak out, okay? I've just told my mother that it wasn't really you so she's not angry any more._

 **Jon Snow:**   _Your mother?????!!!_

**Sansa Stark:**

**Jon Snow:** _Oh my god._  
_I need to leave the country._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Theon Greyjoy, on 19th October, 9:01pm

 **Members:**  Theon Greyjoy, Sansa Stark

================================================

 **Theon Greyjoy:**   _Hola princess.  
How close are you to the Crossroads right now?_

 **Sansa Stark:**   _I'm in Loras and Renly's flat having a cocktail, so about ten minutes. Why?_

 **Theon Greyjoy:**   _Perfect._  
_Finish your drink and head over._  
_Your opportunity to be a heroine has finally arrived._  
_Happy fucking birthday._

 **Sansa Stark:**   _?????? What's going on?_

 **Theon Greyjoy:**   _Jon's all_ _by himself and about to get accosted by a dragon._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Oh god.  
I'm leaving right now._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Jon Snow, on 19th October, 9:10pm

 **Members:**  Theon Greyjoy, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Jon Snow:**   _I'm near the jukebox when you and Yara get here._

 **Theon Greyjoy:** _When we get where?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Er, to the pub?_  
_Wait_  
_Wait_  
_What is Daenerys doing here?_  
_Theon?????_  
_Theon?????????_  
_Theon, NO_  
_NO_  
_THEON_

 **Theon Greyjoy:** _Sorry, the old Theon can't come to the phone right now.  
He's Taylor Swift._


	5. cease your childish behaviour

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Brandon Stark, on 19th October, 10:59pm

 **Members:**  Brandon Stark, Sansa Stark

================================================

 **Brandon Stark:** _You kissed Jon again.  
Robb will be outraged._

 **Sansa Stark:** _What?!_  
_How did you know?!_  
_Did Jon tell you? He can't have told you._

 **Brandon Stark:** _Nobody told me._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Bran?_  
_I really hate it when you do this._  
_How did you know?_  
_Don't put yourself in incognito mode again, I know you're reading this._  
_I know you think it's funny to scare people, but it really isn't._  
_Seriously Bran._  
_Jon says he didn't tell you._  
_So who told you?_  
_This really isn't funny._  
_BRANDON_

* * *

 

 **WhatsApp Group:** XOXO GOSSIP GIRL

 **Created by:**  Renly Baratheon, on 20th October, 00:07am

 **Members:**  Renly Baratheon, Loras Tyrell, Arya Stark, Brandon Stark, Rickon Stark, Stannis Baratheon, Meera Reed, Jojen Reed, Margaery Tyrell, Yara Greyjoy, Theon Greyjoy, Brian Hothpie, Gendry Baratheon, Talisa Stark, Jon Snow, Podrick Payne, Sansa Stark, Brienne Tarth

================================================

 **Renly Baratheon:** _HOT GOSSIP!!!!!_  
_FRESH OFF THE PRESSES!!!_  
_JON AND SANSA SNOGGED IN THE PUB!!!_

 **Brandon Stark:** _I know._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?_  
_Renly and I were SPYING COVERTLY!_  
_We WORKED for our intel!_  
_You don't just get to KNOW, that isn't FAIR!_

 **Stannis Baratheon:** _Why have I been added to this group?  
Renly, it's very late. I suggest you cease your childish behaviour and go to bed._

**_Stannis Baratheon left the conversation_ **

**Arya Stark:** _LMFAO!_  
_You were sober enough to leave Robb out of the conversation_   _but so drunk that you added your brother der Fürher._  
_I actually can't_  
_I'm going to die_  
_LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Renly??!_

 **Arya Stark:** _OMG_  
_SANSA TOO_  
_YOU ADDED SANSA AND JON TO THE FUCKING SECRET GOSSIP GROUP RENLY I AM SCREAMING_

 **Gendry Baratheon:** _She really is screaming._  
_Woke Nymeria._  
_She's fucking barking now._

 **Renly Baratheon:** _LOL whoops!_

 **Loras Tyrell:** _Butterfingers!_

 **Renly Baratheon:** _Congratulations on the snogging, you crazy kids! It looked fun from where we were hiding!_

**_Sansa Stark left the conversation  
Jon Snow left the conversation_ **

**Loras Tyrell:** _Omg they both left at the same time.  
GOING SOMEWHERE MORE PRIVATE NO DOUBT._

 **Theon Greyjoy:** _Nah, Jon's here at the flat by himself._

 **Brian Hothpie:** _Actually, they didn't even leave the pub together. Sansa left first, and Jon shortly afterwards._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _HOW DO YOU KNOW, HOT PIE?_

 **Brian Hothpie:** _Because I WORK at the pub._  
_I said hello to you TWICE._  
_I brought you your drinks._  
_You still have to pay for the two cocktails you ordered shortly before running out of the building._

 **Renly Baratheon:** _Loras made us leave. He's afraid of the police because he accidentally shoplifted a scarf when he was thirteen and he's afraid that there's a rogue copper look for him._  
_As if he's Jean Val-fucking-jean._  
_And not an obvious Cosette._

 ** _Loras Tyrell:_** _On that topic, did they take Dancers away?_  
_FFS autocorrect_  
_Danielle_  
_DAENERYS_  
_Fucking stupid name!_

 **Arya Stark:** _WHAT?!?!?!?!  
Police??! What the fuck??_

 **Yara Greyjoy:** _I knew that something like this would happen as soon as Theon invited her out._

 **Theon Greyjoy:** _Hehehe hawhawhaw_

 **Arya Stark:** _WTF? WHAT HAPPENED?_

 **Yara Greyjoy:** _Theon invited Jon and Daenerys to the pub and didn't tell Jon that she'd be there so that Jon would be all by himself when she turned up, looking for his dick or whatever._  
_Then he sent Sansa a text telling Jon that D was on her way, so Sansa went to rescue him._  
_After that, I assume it all kicked off._

 **Arya Stark:** _Theon let Daenerys Targaryen come within 100 feet of my sister?_  
_MY sister?_

 **Yara Greyjoy:** _Yer._

 **Arya Stark:** _Theon Greyjoy, I am going to fucking assassinate you._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _aSASSYnate LMAO_

 **Arya Stark:** _Go home Loras, you're drunk as fuck.  
What happened at the pub, Hot Pie?_

 **Brian Hothpie:** _I said hello to Jon while he was standing at the bar alone, and provided him with a bottle of our signature IPA._  
_He enquired after the spiced roast carrot and plum soup, which was very kind as that's one of my inventions, but ultimately settled on a plate of curry chips._  
_I tried to tempt him with a more adventurous dish, but Jon seems to be a fan of typical pub fare._

 **Arya Stark:** _I don't want a fucking novel about Jon's sad dinner for one you fucking baboon.  
What happened after Daenerys and Sansa turned up?_

 **Brian Hothpie:** _Oh, I have no idea. I was in the kitchen._

 **Arya Stark:** _Jesus Christ, give me strength._

 **Brian Hothpie:** _Then one of the porters said that there was a row, and when I went back out, Daenerys was shouting at Jon and Sansa. She knocked a glass off the bar because she was gesticulating so wildly. One of the policemen escorted her out._

 **Loras Tyrell:** _Omg it was great. No idea what happened before Sansa turned up but we followed her to the pub and walked in RIGHT as she was planting a smacker on Jon right in front of Princess Pyromaniac.  
Daenerys FREAKED out._

 **Renly Baratheon:** _SO THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME?_  
_YOU'VE BEEN SEEING SOMEONE ELSE?_  
_DARIO WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU!_

 **Yara Greyjoy:** _*Daario_

 **Arya Stark:** _What the fuck is a Daario?_

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Arya Stark, on 20th October, 00:28am

 **Members:** Arya Stark, Sansa Stark

================================================

 **Arya Stark:** _Where are you?_  
_What happened?_  
_Are you alright?_  
_Sansa?_  
_SANSA_  
_Nobody is balls deep in you because according to Theon – who I am going to KILL by the way – Jon is in his flat alone, so you've got no excuse for not answering me right now._  
_Sansa seriously_  
_SANSA_  
_FOR FUCK SAKE SANSA_  
_FINALLY she deigns to type back thank you SO much your highness!_

 **Sansa Stark:** _It's been two minutes??_  
_Relax, I'm at home. I was making a mug of Horlicks._  
_It's past bedtime, you know._

 **Arya Stark:** _What did Daenerys do????  
I can't fucking BELIEVE Theon invited her out and she went anywhere NEAR Jon or you._

 **Sansa Stark:** _She was there by the time I arrived so it wasn't me she was there to see.  
Theon texted and told me that Jon was alone and defenceless, so I went down there to help him. She didn't take kindly to my presence and became a little animated. That's all._

 **Arya Stark:** _Ex-fucking-scuse me then why were the police called if she was only 'a little animated'?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Oh my god  
Police were NOT called. Loras and Renly are just being dramatic._

 **Arya Stark:** _Hot Pie says they were there too, and he's only dramatic about Professional Masterchef, home-brewed ale and occasionally gravy._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Two policemen happened to be on the road outside and someone went out and asked them to calm her down._  
_She didn't attack me or anything like that. She was shouting and waving her hands and accidentally knocked a glass to the ground. It sounded a lot more serious than it actually was._  
_She calmed down and left when the policeman told her to go._

 **Arya Stark:** _So you're alright?_  
_No injuries?_  
_I don't have to punch Daenerys again?_  
_I can just move on to teasing you?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _I'm perfectly fine._  
_And honestly, I don't really blame her for being upset._  
_She said that Theon told her that Jon wanted to see her and she came all the way down only to find out that it was a lie. She thought he was parading me in front of her to hurt her feelings._  
_I'd be angry too, if I were her._  
_Theon neglected to tell me any of this when he sent me off to rescue Jon._  
_It seems that it was all a ruse to push me and Jon together._

 **Arya Stark:** _Firstly, you're too sweet to that woman. Lest you forget, she stalked Jon for eight months._  
_Secondly, APPARENTLY IT WORKED?_  
_You were kissing?????!?!?!_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Arya, I'd had a couple of cocktails, I was worried that Daenerys was going to go all Fatal Attraction again and I'm kind of in love with Jon, if you hadn't noticed. And I'm not as innocent and naïve as you all think I am. I saw an opportunity and I took it._  
_Maybe I did kiss him but it's not the huge deal Loras and Renly pretended it was. I wouldn't have done it if I were completely sober._  
_And I totally knew they were following me, by the way._

 **Arya Stark:** _Did he kiss you back?_  
_Sansa._  
_Omg I can see that you're still online._  
_Fine._  
_Ignore me, then._  
_I'll just ask Jon._  
_I'll screenshot you saying that you're kind of in love with him and send it to him right now._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Arya! Don't you dare!  
For the love of god, I was just in the toilet for a minute._

 **Arya Stark:** _THEN BRING YOUR PHONE TO THE TOILET LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?_  
_What do you do in the loo without your phone? Stare at the walls?_  
_DID HE KISS YOU BACK?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _yes_

 **Arya Stark:** _YES?!!?!?!  
AND???!_

 **Sansa Stark:** _I'm going to bed now.  
Goodnight._

 **Arya Stark:** _Goddamn tease._

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:** Sansa Stark, on 20th October, 8:32pm

 **Members:** Sansa Stark, Jon Snow

================================================

 **Sansa Stark:** _Our friends are truly the worst, right?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I frequently think so._

 **Sansa Stark:** _I mean, except Brienne._  
_And Pod, I suppose._  
_Stannis phoned my father and told him about what happened in the pub, thanks to Renly and Loras._

 **Jon Snow:** _Oh god.  
Should I change my identity and move to Sweden?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _I mean, Dad was okay about it._  
_Actually, he was disappointed when I told him that it wasn't true._  
_But still._

 **Jon Snow:** _Really? What did he say?_  
_Your father, I mean._  
_I can imagine what Stannis said._  
_'I don't approve, dirty orphan, we don't even know who his parents are, could have serial killer blood, blah blah blah.'_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Don't say things like that about yourself. You're the best person I know._

 **Jon Snow:** _Tell that to Stannis.  
He still hasn't forgiven me for being left in a church pew._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Only because it's not the church HE approves of. How are you supposed to help what happened to you when you were a baby?_  
_As if he can talk, anyway. His MISTRESS is the one who gave him those fanatical ideas in the first place, so he's not exactly a paragon of moral righteousness, though he certainly knows how to act like it._  
_The real reason he turned on you is because Mel is so obviously smitten and he knows he can't measure up._

 **Jon Snow:** _I really don't think she is, San.  
I know she likes to flirt, but she's flirty with everyone._

 **Sansa Stark:** _You don't notice because you're so modest, but I've known a lot of women who were smitten with you.  
Like Daenerys, last night? You can't deny that._

 **Jon Snow:** _Daenerys is an anomaly._

 **Sansa Stark:** _No, Daenerys is a woman with functioning eyes._

 **Jon Snow:** _Sansa Stark  
Are you calling me attractive?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Of course I am, you idiot. Don't pretend like you don't know you're beautiful._  
_Just don't tell our friends I said that, they might start planning our wedding._  
_What else are they doing with their time?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Aside from hacking into email accounts and spying on us in pubs? Not much._  
_Also_  
_Thank you_  
_I've got nothing on you, but thank you_

 **Sansa Stark:** _You're sweet._  
_I wish we could make them stop somehow._  
_Teach them a lesson._

 **Jon Snow:** _Pretend to be together and stage a terrible breakup, just to mess with them all._

 **Sansa Stark:** _OMG  
That's uncharacteristically devious of you._

 **Jon Snow:** _It's Theon's fault. He sent Daenerys after me._  
_That's a betrayal of the highest order._  
_I realise that this makes me sound like Robb._

 **Sansa Stark:** _That is the kind of melodramatic thing he'd say._  
_How would we fool everyone into thinking we were together?_

 **Jon Snow:** _I don't think it would take much effort. They all seem to have made their own minds up._  
_We could go to your party holding hands._  
_I could dance with you all night._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Fake kissing when I cut my cake?_

 **Jon Snow:** _We've already kissed twice. What's one more?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _We could go places together and tag ourselves in Facebook selfies.  
I mean, assuming you manage to login and decide to keep it._

 **Jon Snow:** _I'll keep it just for you, girlfriend._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Haha, boyfriend.  
_ _And I mean, Arya booked us that spa weekend._

 **Jon Snow:** _I've packed my bags already.  
__How about photo Christmas cards and an obnoxious round robin every year?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _'Dear friends and neighbours - this year, Jon and I are more in love than ever and have adopted a litter of kittens!'_

 **Jon Snow:** _We could move in together._

 **Sansa Stark:** _I love it. Leave Theon to pay the rent by himself. He'd die._

 **Jon Snow:** _Weekend trips to Paris and Rome._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Obnoxious 'I'm with him/her' t-shirts_

 **Jon Snow:** _We could get married._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Buy a house in the country._

 **Jon Snow:** _Have children  
_ _Hahaha_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Hahaha_

 **Jon Snow:** _Hahaha_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Though, um, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the original plan?  
To stage a nasty breakup?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Right.  
Yes._

 **Sansa Stark:** _Right._

 **Jon Snow:** _Sansa?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _Jon?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Actually, I'm just going through a tunnel right now.  
Can I talk to you later?_

 **Sansa Stark:** _What?_

* * *

 

**Private WhatsApp Conversation**

**Resumed by:**  Jon Snow, on 20th October, 8:49pm

 **Members:**  Jon Snow, Robb Stark

================================================

 **Jon Snow:** _I need to talk to you about something._

 **Robb Stark:** _Oh._  
_It's you again._  
_Judas Snow._

 **Jon Snow:** _I do have feelings for Sansa._  
_And I'm sorry that I haven't been truthful, but more importantly, I think she feels the same way about me, and I think I need to act on it._  
_I'm not asking you for permission to do this because she doesn't belong to you, nor to your mother or your father, but I also don't want to lose one of my best friends in the process.  
So, before I do or say anything, I need to know if this is going to be a problem for you._

 **Robb Stark:** _Honestly I don't know.  
This feels all weird to me, and I'm still really angry about those CrossFit comments._

 **Jon Snow:** _Robb, that wasn't me.  
That was Arya._

 **Robb Stark:** _But it was your name and your face!_  
_Have you ever had a dream that your wife was cheating on you and then you wake up and you're still angry even though you know she didn't really cheat on you?_  
_This is just like that!_

 **Jon Snow:** _No._  
_I don't have a wife._  
_That analogy is very specific to married people._

 **Robb Stark:** _Yeah well if you're going to make a play for my sister, either you end up married to her or you end up in the ground you fuck.  
Unless she decides to finish with you because she found a better man. I'll allow that._

 **Jon Snow:** _Does that mean you're going to be fine with us being together?_

 **Robb Stark:** _I told you I don't know._  
_I'm very tired._  
_This is how Ross must have felt when Chandler and Monica got together._  
_And Ross was the worst Friend._  
_I don't want to be the worst Friend._

 **Jon Snow:** _You're not the worst Friend._

 **Robb Stark:** _I like dinosaurs._

 **Jon Snow:** _You like Jurassic Park. That's not the same as being a palaeontologist._

 **Robb Stark:** _Well no._  
_But Talisa made some joke about leaving me for Yara and Margaery which is just like Carol leaving Ross for Susan?_  
_I AM Ross_

 **_Jon Snow:_  ** _Are you drunk?_

 **Robb Stark:** _Not really._  
_Yeah._  
_Bought a bottle to celebrate but forgot Talisa can't drink so I've had it all._

 **Jon Snow:** _Red wine?_

 **Robb Stark:** _YES HOW DID YOU KNOW?_

 **Jon Snow:** _Because you always get emotional on red wine._

 **Robb Stark:** _You know me so fucking well man._  
_I love you brother._  
_Rickon and Bran and Arya are all fine with this aren't they?_  
_It's just me holding everything up as usual_  
_Always the fucking ROSS_  
_Talisa and I found out that we're having a boy, might as well just call him Ben and get it over with._

 **Jon Snow:** _Robb, that's fantastic news.  
Congratulations!_

 **Robb Stark:** _Not Robb_  
_I'm Ross now_  
_Do you really think I'm a CrossFit amateur????_

 **Jon Snow:** _Of course not._  
_You are truly a CrossFit professional._  
_Ross wouldn't do CrossFit._

 **Robb Stark:** _Alright.  
Then I'm fine with it. With you and Sansa._

 **Jon Snow:** _Thank you.  
So much._

 **Robb Stark:** _Just don't hurt her.  
OR ELSE I'LL HURT YOU._

 **Jon Snow:** _Or get Arya to hurt me?_

 **Robb Stark:** _That sounds more realistic, yeah._


End file.
